Couples who are experiencing a transition in the status of their relationship may sometimes look to explore new ways of redefining their sex lives by experimenting with the boundaries of sexual permissions. This includes couples who are monogamous that are interested in exploring the terrain of a consensual non-monogamous lifestyle.
Transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy is not always simple process. It can be challenging because the rules for each kind of relationship are different. The mindset for monogamists is different than the mindset of non-monogamists.
To be clear, one relationship structure is NOT better or worse than a different relationship structure. It is about finding the relationship structure and rules of engagement that work for both you and your partner. Not everyone practices consensual non-monogamy in the same way.
For some couples, non-monogamy may never go beyond kissing, touching and heavy petting with other lovers. For other couples, non-monogamy may go as far as allowing for oral sex with people outside of the relationship. For some couples, full penetration intercourse is permissible. Some couples require that both partners be present (and involved) in the sexual activity, while others allow for each partner to carry one sexual relationship independent of a partner being present. Some venture into having emotional relationships with others, while others find that too uncomfortable and want to restrict extra-curricular sex to physical fun without emotional attachment. Whether couples transition to non-monogamy for a limited time period in order to live out a series of sexual fantasies, or they want to make it an ongoing lifestyle change that may continually redefine their relationship rules as needed, or they just allow for non-monogamous behaviors in certain settings and not in others, is up to the couple to negotiate.
With all that choice, it is easy for any couple to get overwhelmed.
So where does a couple start?
- Identify your boundaries (individually, and as a couple)
- Seek out like-minded people
- Be mindful that you will get hurt sometimes
- Manging fantasy vs. reality
- Take your time, and forgive often
1 – The first place to start is that a couple needs to focus on identifying every single boundary that each person needs to have respected in order to have a successful consensual non-monogamous relationship. Communication, honesty and directness are incredibly key here. There is nothing left to chance. The couple will have to have some very intense and possibly uncomfortable conversations to ensure that their attempts to alter their relationship will not lead to the destruction of their relationship. Full disclosure is a must.
For example: It may not be easy for one partner to admit that the source of a particular sexual restriction with other lovers has to do with a very particular insecurity. Admitting a deeply hidden insecurity might make some people feel too vulnerable and could shut down any further open communication, if that discussion is met with any criticism, instead of compassion and acceptance.
Here are some boundaries that couples I have coached have discussed which helped them transition from monogamy to non-monogamy:
- Is there a particular sex toy that you only want to keep between the primary couple that is not to be shared with any new lovers?
- Are there particular friends or individuals that you do not want to see your partner get sexual with such as a previous lover, a best friend, or a rival?
- Who exactly is expected to reach out to new lovers first, and at what point is the other member of the couple introduced?
- If your partner goes on a date with a new potential lover, are there venues that are off limits?
- What are your rules about public displays of affection with other lovers in public?
Each individual has particular boundaries and the goal is to find a common ground about what each partner feels comfortable with, while at the same time not enforcing rules, which might be too constrictive, and that could lead to any resentment. It gets complicated for the two partners to figure out what sexual permissions to agree too. It does not matter where you and your partner draw your lines in regards to sexual permissions or emotional connections to engage with others. As long as you and your partner are consenting adults and agree to the stipulations, it is no one else’s business.
2 – The second step is that you have to make sure that you find like-minded new partners that are capable of respecting your rules.
It is not just about whom you are attracted too. When it comes to seeking out partners when you already have a partner, attraction is just not enough. After you and your partner decide on a set of rules to act as guidelines for your venture into new relational territory, you both must keep in mind that the only two people who care about keeping your original relationship together, are the two of you. Your other lovers or emotionally attached paramours may not care as much as you hope they will to help the two of you stay together. As a coach, I have worked with individuals involved in consensual non-monogamous relationships, where through coaching discussions we discovered that another lover or relationship partner was actively trying to tear apart the original couple. Sometimes it was because the lover wanted one of the partners to leave the original couple to form a new serious primary relationship. Sometimes it was simply a matter of one person just not liking the partner of a lover, so they would be happy to see that partner disappear!
A common mistake that new consensual non-monogamous couples make is to assume that most other couples feel the same way about things as they do. They do not. Each couple practices consensual non-monogamy differently, and for that reason do not assume that just because a couple defines themselves as consensual non-monogamists does not mean they will be keen on respecting your rules and boundaries.
Communicate with your partner at all times, as well as with the other people you both get involved with. You do not have to find other consensual non-monogamists who practice it the exact same way that you do. You just have to find the ones that will respect the rules that you both lay out.
3 – The third step is that you must accept that you are both likely going to get hurt along the way. Sometimes you might both agree to try something and it turns out it was more than one or both of you could handle.
The number one way that a couple gets hurt during this process is when one or both people change the rules during an activity. For example: You and your partner are engaging with another couple at the same time. You both agree ahead of time that you will all be practicing safe sex, but something happens along the way where you all get so into the moment that safe sex is left behind somewhere along the journey. Afterwards, you and your partner have mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand you both agreed to change the rules as it was happening, but afterwards, you are now dealing with feelings of remorse, regret, and wondering if you both should hold off having sex with others again until you have some tests run to see if you picked up anything more than just a good time. Can you trust each other to hold back and respect the rules in future sexual romps when neither of you could stick to the rules together?
Another example highlights what can happen when the type of consensual non-monogamy you practice has each of you individually seeking out emotional relationships with others. What if the rules of how one partner manages the other relationship impacts your primary relationship in ways you did not anticipate?
Imagine: You have a fight with one of your new lovers and decide to break up. It puts you in a foul mood for a few days and you end up making your partner as miserable as you are. Your partner brings up the fact that you should deal with it yourself, and not inflict your terrible mood on any of the other people you are both involved with. This is easier said than done when in fact, after a particularly bad break up some people withdraw from interacting with others for a short time. Is it fair to you and your partner if one of you withdraws your attention and affection after a bad break up with a paramour? Can anyone be realistically expected to compartmentalize their emotions like flipping a light switch when nursing a broken heart? Is being alienated from your partner for a break up you had nothing to do with fair? Things just got a little more complicated.
Monogamous couples that start experimenting with a consensual non-monogamous relationship usually do so with the best of intentions. These may include being honest about outside sexual interests without ever having to lie about it or cheat on a partner, allowing for a partner to be sexual satisfied in ways that the current relationship cannot provide for, or even as a means of being more loving as a person in general.
However, at our core we are still imperfect human beings and imperfect human beings make mistakes. If you have an unreasonable expectation that your human partner is never going to make mistakes that would cause you pain, then you are likely going to get really hurt at times.
Part of managing the hurt that you both are going to experience, as you transition, is to remember why you sought out a consensual non-monogamous relationship. Perhaps you wanted to live a more ethical lifestyle, or had a desire to be as honest with your partners and yourself as possible. Maybe you refused to have to stoop to cheat on anyone, or had the hope of experiencing a sexually abundant cluster of new experiences. Going back to the source of why you each sought out this path will help the couple survive the hard bumps that come with this journey.
4 – The fourth step deals with managing fantasy vs. reality. Keep in mind that what seems like a good idea in discussion may in fact not be a good idea in practice.
Here are some examples:
- You may think that the fantasy of watching your partner have sex with another person is hot, however, it can be a very different emotional experience once you are there and are watching your partner reacting to sex in ways that you have not experienced with your partner.
- You may think you like the fantasy of both you and your partner having a date night individually with other people until one of you gets stood up while the other one comes home after having a great time and smelling like someone else.
- You may think you like the fantasy of putting up an online dating profile as a couple, only to have someone that knows you both finds it and tries to use it to embarrass or harass you for living in a way they do not agree with.
The fantasy of consensual non-monogamy, and the reality of consensual non-monogamy do not always mesh together well. Some things are best left as fantasies. Sometimes it is also a matter of thinking you are ready to handle something that in actuality you may still need more time to get used to.
For example, perhaps you could arrange to watch your partner kissing or slow dancing with another person to see if you can handle it before you arrange to watch your partner have sex with another person.
Sometimes the fantasy comes in the form of having rules that are too restrictive and too confining for some people to allow for any realistic form of consensual non-monogamy. There is the consideration that one or both members of the couple may even start to feel suffocated and held back from exploring non-monogamy which also leads to social hardships between the couple through resentment. For example: If your collective rules make it impossible to actually find someone for either of you to get involved with, neither of you will get to experience what you set out to explore as a couple.
The biggest fantasy however is that you will both find people who are “perfect”. This does not exist. There are no perfect non-monogamous partners because there are no perfect human beings. All of us, every one of us are flawed human beings. Anytime you bring a new person into the mix you also bring in that person’s flaws.
Whenever you involve new people into your existing love life you also invite their personal issues. The people you may choose to associate with may not care as much about your primary relationship as you do. Sexual accidents like a condom breaking can force a couple to be very mindful of the dangers that practicing safe sex is supposed to protect you from. You may also have to contend with your lovers other lovers in ways you did not fully appreciate until it is too late.
Taking into consideration everything that has just been covered; it brings us to the final point of this article…
5 – Step five is to take your time and forgive often. As we have already covered, you are both human beings and therefore you will both make mistakes. You will both get hurt, you will both hurt each other, and likely the others you encounter on this journey as you all try to figure out how to make consensual non-monogamy work for you.
The advice that I have for couples exploring consensual non-monogamy is the same advice I have for any couple trying to work anything out.
Take your time and forgive often.
So what if you miss out on a threesome this afternoon, or have to cancel a dinner date with a potential new paramour tonight? So what if you miss a potluck to meet local consensual non-monogamists tomorrow morning? There will always be another threesome, another dinner date and another potluck somewhere down the road in the future. What you will not always be able to find is someone that wants to be in a serious relationship with you that did not start out as a consensual non-monogamy one, and is willing to take this journey with you.
Take your time. Do not rush through this. Rushing at the beginning of consensual non-monogamous relationship could bring a premature end to your entire relationship.
You have time so take every minute of it you need in order to preserve what you already have established. Do not worry about what you are missing out on today, and instead focus on the overall life you will have together in a few years from now if you invest in yourselves as a consensual non-monogamous couple.
Commitment to your commitment is the key element in ANY transition a couple is going through. The decision to do whatever it takes to work it out and stay together. It may take a long time to figure out how much of a freely open non-monogamous relationship you can handle.
In that time of experimenting you must both prepare yourselves to forgive each other for the hurt you will each feel from the mistakes you both may make, and the unexpected consequences your new relationship rules may bring about. You may end up going too far in your experimentation with non-monogamy and crossing a line that your partner and you were not clear on. It is more likely to happen than not.
Get into a habit that will add more years to even the most successful relationships out there, and learn to forgive, and to forgive often. Even the best of couples with the best of intentions screw up. Hearts will break as you travel this journey together. To help you stay on the path together, forgive each other.
Consensual non-monogamy can allow some couples to negotiate ways to keep sexual variety a priority in the relationship. It gives the couple a chance to explore fantasies and experiences that being with just one partner could not fulfill, and can be a means to quash any incentive for infidelity or abandonment.
Having a non-monogamous relationship can alleviate one partner from being asked to please their mate in ways that that they simply have no interest in. The partner who wants that experience can then have it fulfilled by someone else, and can help their partner not feel guilty for not being interested in participating.
A consensual non-monogamous relationship structure is not necessarily better than a monogamous one. It is up to the couple to find the relationship structure that best works to meet their particular emotional needs and that also helps them keep what is important to them in the relationship. Both lifestyles, monogamous and non-monogamous, have their positive points and their negative attributes.
Simply put, you and your partner must look at what you both VALUE about the relationship structure that you are currently in, and to find ways to maintain what you VALUE about it, while at the same time find a balance that you are able to explore.
Remember that this is just as much a learning journey as any, and your commitment to commitment may be the only thing that reminds you of why you entered the transition to begin with…to find a new way of staying together.
