Over the past 30 years, I’ve answered thousands of sex questions from people worldwide. Many women have asked: “How can I get my man to welcome a vibrator into bed with us during partner sex?”
This question comes as no surprise. Since the 1980s, when vibrators became the most popular sex toys, most men have considered them the lonely gal’s friend, toys for women who do not have partners and use them for solo sex. Indeed, vibrators are marvelous solo sex enhancers, but because most men view them as nothing more than women’s masturbation aids, few men have seriously considered welcoming them into partner whoopee.
The research corroborates this. A team of investigators at Indiana University interviewed 1,047 men, aged 18 to 60. 45% t said they’d been involved in partner sex involving vibrators at least once in their lives. But only 14% said they’d played with a woman and a vibrator simultaneously during the previous year, and just 10% had done so the previous month.
Why are men so reluctant to include vibes in partner sex? Over the years, I’ve heard two main objections. Some men are convinced that vibrators are “unnatural,” foreign objects that don’t belong in partner sex. Other men fear “being replaced by a machine.”
Actually, there’s nothing at all odd or unnatural about vibrators. They are as natural as candlelight, music, lingerie, champagne, and lubricants. They’re just another erotic enhancement, one that many women really enjoy—solo or during partner play.
As for being replaced by a machine, consider power tools. They don’t replace carpenters. They just get the job done more easily and efficiently. Vibrators can’t hold a woman close, kiss her, make her laugh, share her joys and heartaches, or say “I love you.” Vibes do just one thing, and many women enjoy that one thing very much as part of lovemaking. Some need it to have orgasms. And whether or not vibrators are necessary for women to come, many enjoy the spice and pleasure they provide.
For many years now, I’ve been on a little mission to promote more buzz in the sack. In addition to enhancing many women’s partner sex pleasure, vibrators also help men. In the survey just mentioned, men who used vibrators regularly reported improved sexual function: more desire, better erections, more intense orgasms, and greater overall satisfaction.
Now, it’s not clear if vibrator use, per se, improves sex for men, or if men who are sexually satisfied are simply more open to using them. My guess: Some of both. But with only around 14 percent of men incorporating vibrators into partner sex during the past year, there are probably many women wishing more men would welcome them in lovemaking.
Ladies, I offer a modest suggestion. With your man, see the movie The OH! in Ohio, a sweet little independent feature from 2006 starring Parker Posey, Paul Rudd, Danny DeVito, and Liza Minnelli. Posey plays Priscilla Chase, a successful Cleveland advertising executive who has never had an OH! She wishes things were different—for her own sake, and for the sake of her shaky marriage. Her husband (Rudd) considers their marriage a failure because she can’t come. A friend sends Priscilla to a women’s sexuality workshop led by an inspired Liza Minnelli, who introduces her to vibrators. For Priscilla, it’s love at first buzz, and when she sets her phone on vibrate and slips it into her underwear before an important business meeting, hilarity ensues. Meanwhile, her husband fears he’s being replaced by a machine. He confides in a friend who assures him that vibrators rock partner sex.
In some ways, The OH! In Ohio is a silly romantic comedy. But it’s also the best pro-vibrator movie ever made. If your man feels reluctant to welcome a vibrator into bed, The OH! In Ohio just might change his mind.
If your man opens up to vibrator play, see how he feels about the vibe(s) you already own—half of adult American women own at least one. Or shop online together for a model that appeals to both of you. Battery-powered models are usually better for couple play—no one gets tangled up in the power cord. Keep lubricant handy. And coach your man how you’d like to use your vibrator(s) in partner lovemaking.
