Cheating
Q: My partner and I met about over 10 months ago. We both admit it was meant to be, and we very much love each other. However, I am constantly accused of cheating when I am not. It only happened once and I came clean about it. It’s putting a terrible obstacle to our progress as a couple. Can you advise?
A: Maybe you are always accused of cheating because you have already cheated in the past, even though it is not happening now. Remember, you have already betrayed her, and it may take some time to rebuild trust (studies have shown it can take two years). The first step in rebuilding is to offer your partner complete transparency, and answer whatever questions she has. You will also need to practice the virtue of patience. If you are having trouble overcoming this issue, I would also recommend you seek out couples counseling. It often helps to have a third party give you perspective and tools to handling jealousy and insecurity and to rebuild after .
Best Friend Flirts With Me
Q: I have known my best friend for about four years and we have never had sex but she’s always walking around naked in front of me she shows me her tits and let’s me feel them she is very comfortable with her body, she shows me all of her vibrators I don’t know if she is trying to get me to make a move on her. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, because it is too valuable—but what should I do?
A: I asked my fellow contributor Frank Kermit to answer this as dating is his area of expertise:
You go for it.
She obviously trusts you, and feels safe with you. That is good. However, unfortunately it is not always a sign that she is interested in dating you. Some women simply like the ATTENTION she gets from you, and she might only see you as a non-sexual friend. I have coached guys in EXACTLY this position (the nudity/touching/sextalk), who finally had enough, asked her to date (or made a move to initiate sex) only to get rejected. This is why it is best to take action. You find out if she is interested in you or just likes the attention that she gets from a guy she feels safe with, but does not want to be with romantically.
Perhaps she likes you, or perhaps she is just testing you to see if you would go for it. Only one way to find out, and that is to either ask her directly if she is interested in taking your friendship to the next level of dating, or to make a move and see what happens. Given your reluctance I would suggest just to ask her directly.
As I see it, your friendship with her may not be as valuable as you think. If she is just using you for attention, but has no interest in dating you, it is inappropriate for her to tease you (nudity, letting you touch her sexually, sexual social interactions like showing you she sex toy collection that will not reach a romantic can be forms of teasing you). Curious to ask what is going to happen if she ends up with a monogamous boyfriend or you end up with a monogamous girlfriend in the future. Is it unlikely that your current boundaries are going to continue being so casual when she does get boyfriend and/or you get a girlfriend. In this respect, your friendship with her is going to change in the long term whether you like it or not. So you may as well go for it now.
A great relationship can grow from the roots of a solid friendship. Until you are willing to find out if she is using you for attention, or if she is actually interested in you, you will never know if what you have is an actual friendship, or the beginning of something more meaningful.
For a more look at this subject, check out Frank’s ebook: From Friends To Lovers: Stop Being Her Emotional Cookie Man.
Splitting Time
Q: Hi Dr Laurie, I started a relationship with a girl a few months ago. The whole relationship was great. It was based on confidence and truth. However, as the time goes by, the amount of work we have from university increases. She has issues from her childhood that makes her to be obsessed with studying. Her mother used to lock her down until she knew each word from the books. So nowadays she needs to study a lot. Even she would rather study than be with me. We have talked about it and she told me not to force her but she would try to improve. I don’t want to force her to stay with me, even though I miss her. I love her!! So, how could I help her to improve in that aspect of her life?? To be less anxious about studying and enjoy much more life.
A: I get how much you want to help her get over her issues, but she has to be ready to do so on her own time. Show her you love her by supporting her in her studies. I recognize that this may require lots of patience on your part. You are not forcing her to stay with you! I’m sure she feels torn about succeeding in her studies and spending time with you. And since education seems to be a very important value for her, you need to show her that you too value hard work and success. You can suggest to her to seek counseling at the university to help her deal with her anxiety, however, it is only up to her whether she feels ready to deal with all of her issues.
