Q&A With Dr. Laurie: Do Relationships Need Good Sex To Last?

Q: Making It Work

After being single for a while, I recently met and fell in love with the man of my dreams. He’s everything I want in a partner. We have so much fun, and we’ve already agreed to be exclusive and have started talking marriage and kids (we even share similar life goals, which is amazing). There’s just one problem: the sex is just…okay. Compared to other partners I’ve had in the past, where we had incredible, passionate sex and were horny all the time (and vocal about it), my current guy just doesn’t seem to be as fiery in that department. I do feel desired, but not in that urgent way, and when we do have sex, it’s fine, but not the crazy, sweaty, exhausting, mind-blowing sex that I want. Do I just have to sacrifice that part of a relationship for a guy who checks every other box? Is there a way to get to that state if we didn’t start out there?

A: Comparing your current partner to others with whom you may have had mind-blowing sex with is not the best idea. Often times the partner we end up with, the partner we choose to build a life and a family with, may not be the best sex we’ve ever had, but it is the best relationship you’ve ever had and that counts for a lot. There is a concept of “good enough sex” which you may want to consider. If everything else is great and the sex is good (even though not mind-blowing), ask yourself if this could be enough. Bear in mind too that sex (desire, frequency, etc) changes and fluctuates in long-term relationships. Having said all that, there are some things you can do to spice it up and make it more exciting. You can share fantasies, try role play, introduce toys, experiment with positions, etc. Oftentimes in a relationship, the sex improves as you get to know each other’s bodies, and especially if you can talk about sexuality openly and share your needs and desires. Bottom line: evaluate the relationship as a whole, adjust your expectations, and put effort into making it more exciting.

Can Porn Cause Mental Illness?

Q: I was told I could get schizophrenia from watching too much porn. Is this true?

A: That would mean there are a ton of people walking around with a serious mental illness! Schizophrenia is a serious mental illness. People with this illness usually experience hallucinations, delusions, disordered thinking, and behaviors that make it difficult to lead a “normal” life. The cause is thought to be a combination of genetics (family history), brain chemicals (exposure to toxins that may affect brain development in utero), and environmental factors (taking drugs). Mind-altering drugs can trigger it in someone who may be predisposed, especially during adolescence. There is no scientific evidence to suggest that is caused by too much porn use.