What To Do When The Sex Life Changes
Q: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year, but around three months ago our sex life started petering out. I thought it was pretty normal—moving on from the honeymoon period. Her libido dipped pretty low but lately it’s come back, but she doesn’t really want to have penetrative sex anymore. We’ll do PIV for about five minutes and then she wants each of us to masturbate to completion. It was hot the first few times but now it just seems rote and like it’s a way to cover up problems with our sex life. After all, we’re still doing it and both cumming, right? I just miss how it was before, at the beginning of our relationship—I could feel that the desire was there. I don’t feel it any more. What can I do to fix it?
A: This is not an issue of desire but of arousal. Not desiring intercourse but desiring other forms of sexual stimulation does not indicate a desire problem. Essentially, without saying it openly, she is probably trying to say that penetrative sex does not do it for her. This is certainly not unusual since 80% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. So after 5 minutes, which is plenty enough for most women, she wants to move on to climaxing the way it works for her. This does not indicate a “problem” with your sex life, but more a difficulty in expressing ones needs and wants in an open and clear fashion. So first step is to TALK. Don’t take this personally, as this is about what works for her. Recognize that she needs clitoral stimulation. Discuss together, positions where you could stimulate her clitoris with your hand, her hand, or a sex toy during penetration. Another option is to get her to come before intercourse (with oral or manual stimulation) and then you can finish with intercourse.
How Many Times Is Normal?
Q: I used to be able to jerk off and cum multiple times per day. Now I have a girlfriend, and lately, I can only do it like once a day. After that it’s difficult to get hard again and even more difficult to orgasm. This is a problem because we are long-distance and we’ll spend long weekends together and she wants to have sex multiple times per day. I want to have my old stamina/abilities back but I don’t know what happened to cause this change. Can you help?
A: Although I have no idea of your age, I can tell you that it’s not unusual as one gets past the peak of testosterone to “slow down”, meaning less of a need to masturbate so much. Listen to your body, talk about it, and reassure your partner that this has nothing to do with her. Don’t worry if you can’t go another round, as this is perfectly normal. But this need not stop you from pleasuring her with your hand or mouth if she needs/wants more. I doubt anything is wrong with you since you are still perfectly functional. The more you worry about this, the less likely you will get an erection. So let that go. Plus, try holding off on masturbation when you know you will be with her.
