Our culture is gradually becoming more open when it comes to sex. From hit songs on the radio to our favorite movies and TV shows, it feels like we’re talking about sex constantly. However, mainstream media is primarily focused on showing us the fun side of sex. You won’t find any pop songs about yeast infections, and James Bond never suffers from erectile dysfunction. And while that may be a bit too far, it is important that we talk about the not-so-sexy side of sex. For example, many people silently suffer from painful sex. Because it’s not often talked about over brunch or represented in the media, they might just not know any better!
Let’s change that. Here are the most common questions people have about painful sex:
1. Is Painful Sex Normal?
Yes and no. Unfortunately, studies have shown it is not uncommon. It’s more of an issue for women, but men can experience pain during or after sex as well. So you aren’t a weirdo, and you aren’t alone. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore it! We’re biologically driven to enjoy sex (the future of the human race depends on it!), so if sex is causing you pain, something is off.
2. Am I Doing Something Wrong?
Wrong sounds a bit judge-y, but there are some things you may want to consider doing differently. First, lube up! Bodies produce varying amounts of lubrication for all sorts of reasons, and yours may just need a little extra. You may want to stay away from lubes that contain glycerin as the sugar can cause irritation.
Next, go heavy on the foreplay. As women become aroused, the vagina expands. If your vagina is smaller and/or your partner’s penis is large, extended foreplay may be required—anything from wearing lingerie, lighting candles, setting the mood with music, watching pornography together—or even reading erotica aloud, using sex toys, giving and/or receiving massages, showering together, taking part in role-play, and more. Do what works for you!
You could also experiment with different positions (woman on top is a good place to start). Some sex positions allow for deeper penetration than others, which can be a great thing—but can also lead to pain during or after sex. Consider this an excuse to mix it up and learn some new moves.
3. Does it Mean I Have a Medical Problem?
Maybe. If you’ve tried all of the above, painful sex could suggest a medical issue. Yeast infections, urinary tract infections, vaginismus, STIs like chlamydia or gonorrhea, ovarian cysts, and endometriosis are all possible culprits. It could also be an allergic reaction to the condoms or lube you’re using—or even a side effect of a medication you’re taking. Menopause can also lead to painful sex.
The bottom line is a gynecological check-up may be in order.
4. Does it Mean I Have a Relationship Problem?
Maybe. When it comes to sex, context matters, so problems outside the bedroom could contribute to pain during or after intercourse. Sex is a very vulnerable act, so trust and connection may be required for your body to truly relax. Arousal is also key. If you are simply unable to become aroused by your partner no matter how much foreplay you integrate, but you have no troubles getting turned on in your solo sessions, it may be time to visit a couples therapist or intimacy coach.
It’s also important to note that other mental health issues, such as depression, general anxiety, and stress, can be contributing factors here as well.
5. Should I Grin and Bear It?
Accepting or ignoring painful sex will ultimately lead to medical issues, relationship issues, or both. You could be ignoring an important symptom of an underlying health condition or allowing resentment to build in your relationship, both of which will only make the initial problem worse.
Communication is key here. At the very least, you should be discussing the fact that you’re having painful sex with your gynecologist and with your partner. If you’re worried that talking about this stuff with your doctor is embarrassing, remember this is their job, and they’ve heard it all before. And if your partner isn’t willing to discuss your sexual discomfort and work with you on fixing it, they are not a very good partner.
You deserve a satisfying sex life. Sex should be, at times, comforting, thrilling, emotional, playful, and pleasurable, but always pain-free.
Dr. Stacy Can Help
If you are experiencing painful sex or any other sexual concern, reach out to clinical sexologist and sex coach Dr. Stacy Friedman at DrStacyFriedman.com to schedule a free consultation. It’s never too late to improve your sex life.
