Just about everyone can enjoy orgasms by themselves. But many encounter difficulty having them with others. A great deal of research shows that only a small fraction of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, and an estimated 5 percent of men have trouble ejaculating. Meanwhile, many people consider it their responsibility to “give” lovers fabulous orgasms—and wonder how.
The wish to “give” orgasms is laudable, especially for men who hope to give them to women. In the Western world, until well into the 20th century, sex was something for men to enjoy, and women to endure. Men “took” sex from women, who were considered merely receptacles for men’s lust. Many believed women were unable to experience sexual pleasure, so men had no responsibility to provide it.
Today, we know that all genders are equally capable of sexual pleasure. Satisfying lovemaking involves lovers taking turns giving and receiving pleasure. Compared with how men felt a century ago, the wish to “give” women orgasms represents progress. But no one “gives” anyone orgasms.
Orgasms Are Like Laughter
Orgasms emerge from deep inside us when conditions are right. Comedians can tickle our funny bones, but they don’t “make” us laugh. They allow us to. They encourage us to produce laughter from deep within ourselves.
Orgasms are similar. They, too, emerge from deep within when conditions are favorable. For most people, those include: trust, comfort, relaxation, love, understanding, and whole-body massage that eventually focuses on the genitals.
Lovers create the physical and emotional contexts that allow orgasms to happen. Lovers can be trustworthy and encourage deep relaxation, and caress you the way(s) you enjoy that allow you to produce orgasms. But lovers don’t “give” each other orgasms. Each of us is responsible for our own. We produce them ourselves.
That’s why it’s so important for lovers to tell one another what turns them on. Some suggestions:
No mind-reading. Forget all the Hollywood nonsense about knowing instinctively which erotic moves lovers enjoy. Love doesn’t confer magical mind-reading powers. Unless you state your likes and dislikes, lovers can’t know what turns you on—and off.
“Ahhh.” You don’t have to provide detailed explanations of what you enjoy. Instead, when your lover does something you like, just say “yes” or “ahhh.” When lovers’ moves don’t thrill you, remain silent. Most people quickly provide more of what elicits an “ahhh” and less of what produces silence. Simply by saying “ahhh” or “yes,” you quickly get more of what you want.
Review. Even when you say, “ahh,” in the middle of things, your honey might not hear you. It’s often easier to comment afterwards. Highlight what you enjoyed, and ask for more: “Remember when you circled my clit with your tongue? I’d love that every time.”
Be positive about negatives. If lovers do anything you can’t stand, feel free to say so—with a loving spin. “I really love the way you stroke my penis and suck me, but when you suck on my balls, it hurts. Can we leave that out from now on?”
Experiment. After a while, routine moves get boring. Try something new—anything: candles, music, sex toys, a different place or time of day. Use your imagination.
Patience. It takes some people a while to work up to orgasm. Sometimes, it’s situational. If you’re under the weather, it may take longer than usual. But some people always take a long time. That’s just who they are—and it’s fine. If a partner takes a long time, or if you receive apologies for “taking so long,” reassure the person that you’re there for their pleasure, no matter how long it takes. Invite them to focus on their erotic feelings, not on how impatient they imagine you to be. The anxiety people feel about taking too long actually interferes with orgasm. Be patient. Tell your lover you’re in no hurry. That should help them relax enough to have orgasms. Or consider a vibrator. Vibrators help women have orgasms more quickly. Vibrating penis sleeves often help men.
If you implement these suggestions, your lover should feel sufficiently comfortable, relaxed, trusting, and accepted to have orgasms. But remember, you don’t “give” them. You’re the catalyst. You help create the conditions that allow your lover to release them.
The question is not: How can lovers give each other wonderful orgasms? The real question is: What can lovers do to help each other reach deep inside themselves to release their own orgasms?
