Both your long-term and short-term sexual relationships will benefit from clear communication about what you want. It may feel uncomfortable at first but with a little practice most end up feeling more confident and empowered because they realize they value their desires and it models your value to your partner.
The best way to know what you want is to masturbate regularly. It’s the perfect opportunity to learn what you find arousing and how you respond to stimulation, whether it’s with your hands or a sex toy. After all, if you don’t know what works for you, how will your partner? We all need to share our ‘owner’s manual’. It’s only fair. Partners shouldn’t be expected to just ‘know’. Everyone is truly different.
Once you get a few masturbation sessions where you are focusing on this information, you’ll then be able to apply that to your partnered relationship. However, I do acknowledge this can be tricky for some partners at first. Sometimes there is the concern that masturbating with/without a toy on your own would give the impression to your partner that you didn’t “need” them sexually anymore, and some even equate it to cheating on their partners. Masturbation/sex toys are not meant to replace anyone, they can be used to expand and enrich your sex life. On the flip side, there are many men who are tired of initiating everything sexual in their relationships; in fact it would be a turn on for them to have their partner add something new.
Ultimately, you know your relationship best. If your partner is someone you feel comfortable enough with to just surprise him one evening then go for it. If you’re concerned about one of the issues above perhaps shop for a vibe together – get him involved in the process. You can both begin to experiment in the ways you’d like to use the vibrator. Some find it a turn on to even just watch their partners use a sex toy/masturbate in front of them or let him learn how to use the vibe on you. Consider it a project you can do together.
Finding ways to bring up the subject of getting what you want in bed may take a little creativity. Many people find just bringing up the subject intimidating. Even couples with the best communication skills find it difficult to discuss sex. Perhaps you can whisper the idea in his/her ear during your next sexual encounter, bring up that you’ve fantasized about him/her using a vibrator on you, or go online and begin exploring the world of sex toys one evening over a glass of wine.
Depending on your partner, non-verbal cues may be the way to go. Moving his/her hands to where you want them, gyrating your hips a particular way or showing him/her the stroke/sensation you want directly, may seem less intimidating than talking about it — although I do think all couples should learn to talk about sex regardless. But it’s nice to have options. Groans and grunts certainly help to direct things as well. Don’t be shy vocalizing. Most men and women are looking for cues that you are enjoying what is happening.
Using the media to open up a discussion is great too. For instance, love it or hate it, all of the Fifty Shades books and movies have really opened the door to talking about power play (BDSM). Go and talk to your partner about what behaviors or stimulation look hot to you in the film. It can be a great way to let him/her know what you’re willing to try. And just because you try something, doesn’t mean you have to use it all of the time. All of the research indicates that spontaneity and having a wide sexual repertoire really help people experience more sexual satisfaction regardless of short/term long term but can also deepen your relationship as a whole. Exploration helps to keep people together in the long run. If you’re monogamous long term, it can bring you both to a new level of intimacy that you can explore together.
