Disability and Sexuality Part 2: From Zero to Sexy

Disclaimer I want to start things off with a disclaimer: I am not a “playa”. And by that I mean: I do not see sexual relations as a competition, OR as a goal to be achieved and bragged about with my buddies. I don’t “hit on” women and I do not use seductive techniques or corny pickup lines. Still, there was a time when I was younger and desperate for that special form of love. The disclaimer now fully disclosed, what follows is my very personal experience of how I went from a virgin at the tender age of twenty-six, to having a very active sex-life in less than a year. Sex Not a Cure For Low Self-Esteem While I do agree that sex can be a wonderful experience, it does not magically improve our self-esteem. I know, because at the age of 54, even after having been loved so many times, I still struggle with negative body-image. Who could blame me? In general, society believes that very short men are not attractive, not manly enough to be deserving of sexual attention. If you doubt this age-old bias, just remember the marketing we all get bombarded by images of beautiful sexy people in gorgeous settings, having the time of their lives, falling in love, etc. In this superficial world, I can’t help but doubt myself. I am REALLY short—four feet and six inches tall—and due to my dwarfism, I’ve had numerous orthopedic surgeries. My mind often says to me “Who could possibly think I’m sexy with all these scars?” But one evening, not long after I graduated from college, something happened at my school’s reunion dance that offered a glimmer of hope. I discovered that one of my female friends had had a serious crush on me back in our school days. I was shocked and said to her “Why didn’t you tell me?” She replied, “Because you had so many friends, and you were hugging each other all the time, I figured you MUST have a girlfriend!” With this knowledge, that this dwarf could be attractive to even just one person, I decided to make changes in my life. Sexy Changes Here are some of the things I tried, and the attitudes I adopted that helped me in my desire to be a sexual human being, WITHOUT treating others as a sex-object. And I’m still learning at the age of 54: Solo Sex (a.k.a. masturbation): Good sex starts with YOURSELF! Learn what turns you on and be 100% comfortable with masturbating. Use sex toys, with a proper lubricant like KY. There are toys for men and women these days, so there is no excuse not to own at least one. In my opinion, great sex is about great communication: if you don’t know what turns you on, you won’t be able to communicate what works best for you. This idea of self-pleasuring also helps me physically be a better lover for my partner. I recently bought a silicon sleeve that fits in a plastic tube. Okay, full disclosure time: The opening looks like a vagina. Combined with lube, you would not believe how AWESOME it feels. BEST PURCHASE EVER! Regular use of my “faux va-jay-jay” has helped improve my overall performance during intercourse: erection time increased, premature ejaculation decreased. And for people uncomfortable with the thought of a man using a “fake vagina”: Women have their sex toys, it is okay for men to have their own too! Always Be Prepared—Buy Protection: Although I have stated that having sex should not be the goal of any date, you also need to be prepared. I was 25 years old, and I had NEVER bought condoms. It is not just a safe-sex issue, but also a mindset thing: imagine, you FINALLY have a partner, you’re both very naked and excited when “OH NO, we don’t have protection!” If you are male or female, be a responsible lover: always have condoms and dental dams! Bigger Can Be Better (Your Bed, That Is): It might feel lonely at first to sleep in a big bed, but buy the biggest bed you can afford and soft comfortable sheets. I know from experience: It’s not easy or fun having sex in a tiny bed, or on scratchy bedsheets. Read & Learn: Buy books on having great sex, and/or read as much as you can online, from reputable sources. Especially these days, there’s information to suit EVERY lifestyle. While I’m not about technique and goals per se, you do need to have some basic knowledge. Read and learn! I started with “The Joy of Sex” by Alex Comfort. What great books will you discover? Birds of a Feather (Flocking Together): Sometimes the problem is not ourselves, but the people we associate with. Find a group of people who are relaxed about sex. While I’ve always focused more on friendship, if having sex is a goal, being surrounded by people who are NEVER open about this topic might not work so well. I’m not talking about hanging around swingers clubs or bars. Instead, think about your circle of friends and try to spend more time with the people you trust and who are relaxed about the subject of sex. Speak Up, Speak Out: Once you find these open-minded people, join in on discussions revolving around relationships, dating, and sex in general. It’s okay to talk about sex, and let people know you are “on the market.” If you don’t send out some kind of signal that you are ready for a relationship, no one will ever know! Breaking this silence is key: Believe it or not, we have been sexually oppressed by a society that generally considers disabled people as being asexual. This next sentence is in bold, caps and underline because I think it is my most important tip: YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SPEAK OUT, AND PARTICIPATE IN SEXUAL CONVERSATIONS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! If you are shy about sex and dating like I once was, I hope my experiences help you along. Sex might or might not happen as you open up and communicate about your romantic desires, the important thing is to try.