Disability & Sexuality

I was born with dwarfism, and my experience of living as a disabled sexual being is best described by my favorite movie quote of all time. In a scene from the remake of “Casino Royale”, James Bond is talking to his lover: Vesper: [smiling] You know, James, I just want you to know that if all that was left of you was your smile and your little finger, you’d still be more of a man than anyone I’ve ever met. James Bond: [sitting in a wheelchair next to her, outside a clinic] That’s because you know what I can do with my little finger. To put it bluntly: DISABILITY IS AN ILLUSION. What people think of us is never a true reflection of who we are and what we can achieve. The negative opinions that often surround the label “disabled” has far more negative impact on our lives than our actual disability. What is closer to the truth is that every individual has abilities and limitations that change from year to year, month to month, and sometimes, day by day. What worked yesterday might not work tomorrow. We all have constantly varying degrees of abilities, limitations, needs, wants, and yes, SEXUAL DESIRES. Instead of being judged by our apparent limitations, we prefer to be judged by our abilities, both in and out of the bedroom. Limitations Liberate My radical concept that “limitations liberate” comes from creative people who use limitations as a way to boost creativity. Painting with just one color, composing a song with just four notes, or like Dr. Seuss, writing a poem with as few words as possible: Limitations can lead to exciting results! With respect to the sexual athletes seen in porn movies, what they do is impressive and can be exciting to watch. But what we – the less mobile – can do in the bedroom is even more impressive, if we pay close attention to what is going on. Using our limitations creatively, we can come to a better understanding of how sexual “disabled” people can truly be. I speak from experience: Like James Bond, I have achieved some awesome orgasms, and given orgasms to my partners, with just one finger. Redefining Sexuality Another quote I love comes from the Yankees baseball legend Yogi Berra: “Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.” Sex IS actually 90% mental, and 10% physical. By realizing that sex is mostly experienced in the mind, limitations literally cease to matter. Everyone can benefit by broadening our definition of “having sex”. While it can include intercourse followed by orgasm, the experience of our sexuality can be so much more! My Ideas Some of the things that have worked for me are common sense, but I feel that they become more important as we get older. So here it is at last folks, my list of ideas that have helped my love life: Sexy Sleep: I try to get lots of sleep. It can be a real turn-on to have a good nap on the couch, especially when there’s a window and warm sunshine. I feel much more like an old cat nowadays than the horny dwarf I used to be. But when this cat wakes up: Woohoo! Get Healthier: A good diet and exercise improves most everything, including libido. Remember that one finger I mentioned early? Get started, because it will need some stamina when you make love! Open and Communicative: Be open-minded and communicative with your partner. Be specific and clear about any limitations, likes and dislikes: No surprises! Improve Relationships: Work on other aspects of your relationships. Unhappiness of any sort on either side is a real big turn off. Deal with problems outside the bedroom, before you head towards it. Scheduling Intimacy: Spontaneity is great, but physical pain has a way of draining that sort of energy. Whenever possible, schedule according to your energy levels. I like scheduling because it lets me build anticipation: Watch porn, read erotica, or daydream about your lover. De-emphasize goals: Although intercourse and orgasms are wonderful, it’s more about helping each other feel good. Focus on overall pleasure. The other stuff might happen, but it’s not critical. Massages and Strokes: Massage each other. Focus on targeting areas your partner enjoys. Relax and take your time. If you can’t execute massaging techniques, explore other sensations. Use feathers, silk scarves, furry things, or whatever else feels nice. TOYS ‘R SEXY: Online shopping is SO EASY! Research, review ratings and then buy and USE sex toys, both his and hers: Dildos, silicone vaginas, and lube, it’s all good! Be open and flexible. Make toys part of your routine. When intercourse is difficult or impossible due to physical limitations, taking turns “assisting” each other to masturbate can be very intimate and intense. When I say “sex toys”, that also includes proper furniture, harnesses, pillows, benches, specialty chairs, or WHATEVER else it takes to make your body comfortable for sex play. Making love should be as comfortable as possible. If the living room couch is best for you, kick the family out when you and your partner are in the mood! Take Your Time: Like enjoying a fine wine, take your time! Fast and furious has its place in life, but slow and steady can also be very nice. Review Positively: Like serving a meal, sexual experiences vary in quality. It’s okay to review, gently and lovingly. What worked? What didn’t? More of this, and less of that please! And always compliment the chefs (each other) on what felt good! Bonding Afterwards: Everyone’s different, but after the sex is over, spend time together doing something else you enjoy. Watch a movie, play games, or just read and cuddle together. MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO MEANS NO: Those of us with disabilities can be more vulnerable than non-disabled, both physically and emotionally. Make saying “NO” totally acceptable. EVERYONE needs to feel safe about stopping at any given point. Offer support and understanding when someone stays “STOP” or “NO”. Men are allowed to say “NO” also. I got spooked once, and had to say “NO”. It happens. Thanks for reading, and I hope we cross paths again someday!