Navigating Threesomes- Advice From a Sex Educator and Lover of Threesomes
The first time I had a threesome was before my senior year of college. I had met the couple off of a dating site, we talked for a few weeks and arranged to meet up on a warm, summer Saturday night!
I was brimming with nerves and could barely handle the 10 minute drive it took me to get to their apartment. Before meeting up we had discussed expectations, previous experience, and how we were going to break the ice. We all decided a nice game or two of naked beer pong would help ease our nerves and get us all comfortable. After a few rounds of the game and the nerves leaving my system, we were all ready to get down and the night began.This was my first threesome and I stayed at their place the whole weekend for more fun.
Since then I have had roughly more than 15 threesome experiences and I am here to share my tips, tricks, and overall advice for navigating threesomes as a sex educator and lover of threesomes!
Figure Out Your Why
Understanding the why behind our interests in threesomes can help us approach and navigate them better. Once we know the why, we can engage in them more authentically.
Some people want to have a threesome because they want to experience different sensations, explore their sexuality, experiment sexually, check it off their bucket list, enjoy the taboo-ness of it, or all of the above!
The why can also change overtime! The reason behind having my first threesome was because I was always fascinated by them in porn and media and the opportunity presented itself.
The why behind my latest threesome was because I really enjoy the various sensations and stimulation. Knowing the why and my interests in threesomes allows for me to engage in the threesomes in a way that fulfills my interests and desires.
Determine What You Want and Do Not Want
We all have different interests and limits and it is important to communicate those! Whether you are having a threesome with your partner, a friend, a new date, or someone else it is vital to set a foundation of communication and consent. Discuss everyone's hard limits as it is important these are respected and used to create boundaries.
If you are being invited into someone’s bedroom or inviting someone in, it is completely valid to take a moment to have the conversation and set the tone of open communication.
Creating expectations, boundaries, and interests will also create a more clear understanding of what the threesome will look like.
Imagining three bodies intertwined together can feel overwhelming to navigate so setting some parameters can be a huge help! Get everyone on the same page, minimize miscommunication, respect boundaries, and your experience will be so much better.
Have the Safer Sex Convo
A big part of threesomes is making sure everyone is happy and feels safe and that includes safer sex. Double the amount of people means double the risk for STIs and pregnancy!
Before having your threesome, talk to your partners about previous STI testing and their status, internal and external condoms, dental dams, birth control, and anything else about STIs and pregnancy prevention that will make you more comfortable. No matter which safer sex path you choose, make sure everyone is in agreement on what's going that makes them feel their safest and sexiest self.
Approach People in a Respectful Way
If you are a part of a partnership approaching someone or someone approaching a couple for a threesome, remember to do it in a respectful way! The main thing to avoid is objectifying the other parties. They are people too and wanted to be treated as such. Ask them about their interests, their dislikes, what they love about the world, their pet peeve. Getting to know them as a people instead of a sexual conquest will make the experience 10 times better.
Another great thing to remember is there is no one type of person who is interested in threesomes. A large bi-phobic stereotype insinuates that all bisexual people are interested in threesomes- some are and some are not! Be cautious to not fetishize queer people if asking them to engage in threesomes.
Lastly, if you approach someone or a couple for a threesome and they respectfully decline, take this with understanding and grace. If you are rejected, don't feel discouraged! Threesomes are the number one fantasy in the US so there are more people out there who will be interested with mutual enthusiasm!
Make Someone the Leader
This may sound like silly advice but it will help the threesome go more smoothly if someone is given the role as leader. Not in the sense of dominating the scenario but more helping navigate the multiple moving parts (both literally and figuratively) that occurs in a threesome.
Threesomes can involve some choreography so let the leader put on the choreography hat so there is more going than stopping! Having someone be the leader and choreographer can also help lessen any stress or awkwardness. Putting three bodies in multiple, different positions is really fun but can feel overwhelming and choreography can help!
Things May Be Awkward- That’s Okay!
The best advice I got before having a threesome is to laugh through the awkwardness. The laughing will help ease the tension and bring you closer.
The reality is sex can be awkward! Sex can be even more awkward with more people- this is completely normal. Things can be more awkward when there are three people instead of two. Lean into this awkwardness, acknowledge it, laugh about it, and talk about it if it will make you feel better!
You Do Not Have to Dive Into the Deep End Head First
One of my favorite threesome experiences is when there was no penetrative sex involved- just a lot of kissing, touching, and intimacy. At that point I wasn’t ready for a "full-fledged" (whatever that means) threesome but was curious about them. I happened to be in a situation with two close friends and past partners where an intimate, sensual threesome arose.
You do not have to do anything you do not want to do. If you are interested in threesomes but aren’t ready for some sex acts to occur- awesome! Set those boundaries and go for it! If you are curious about threesomes but may want the ability to take steps back and watch that's amazing too! Ask your partners if they are cool with it and go for it.
Spoiler alert: A threesome can look like anything you want it to look like!
If Things Don’t Feel Right Say Stop!
A big thing to remember is consent is ongoing and can be revoked at any time- especially in threesomes.
If you start having a threesome and realize you or a partner are uncomfortable you are allowed to say no or stop. Just because things like boundaries or consent were discussed beforehand does not mean you have to go through with something you do not want to. You can ask for a pause, set new boundaries during, or even stop the experience overall- all are okay to do.
Saying no with multiple partners can feel nerve-wracking but your comfort is the number one priority! If you are nervous you can also set a safeword beforehand to allow for easy consent communication!
Aftercare! Aftercare! Aftercare!
When it comes to threesomes, aftercare is a must. Talk about the experience, cuddle, put a comfort movie on, share any highlights or feelings, and drink lots of water!
If you are a couple that brought someone new into the bedroom, make sure their needs are met and they don’t feel disposable or used. If you are within a couple that engaged in a threesome, check in with each other and validate each other’s feelings. Lots of feelings can arise so be aware of that!
With the right people in the right setting, threesomes can be a really great experience and definitely something worth doing if it has been an interest of yours!
