Getting To The Big O
Q: I’ve been with my girlfriend for a few years. Our sex life is actually great, despite the fact that she doesn’t climax from penetrative sex. She explained this to me early in the relationship, and I understood. She said that she can only cum when she masturbates a certain way, and it’s all clitoral. I’ve tried to make her cum during foreplay using my fingers and/or mouth, and while she said she feels something, it’s not the same as the bigger orgasms that she gets from masturbating. I appreciate her honesty—I’d be so bummed if she faked it—but I really want to be able to get her to orgasm myself.
I know it’s actually pretty common for women to rarely orgasm from sex, and I’m not likely to be the one to solve this centuries-old issue, so I guess my question is two-pronged: Do you have any tried-and-tested strategies that I can attempt to help her cum easier and more often? Or, barring that, any tips on how to accept the fact that our sex life won’t necessarily involve me making her orgasm?
A: Unfortunately, there is no “tried and tested” strategy that fits all women. All women are different, and all women need different kinds of stimulation to climax. You are right that most women (80%) don’t orgasm through intercourse alone. To help her in this way, you can experiment with positions that offer some direct contact with the clitoris—where she can grind her pelvis, or positions where she or you could play with her clitoris at the same time. You can also try using a sex toy (clitoral stimulator) on her at the same time). Having said that, you are not responsible for making her come. She has to tell you what she needs. Furthermore, a woman’s orgasm is also very much controlled by her head. If she is worried about climaxing with you, this adds some pressure and may interfere with her being totally relaxed so that she can “let go”. Remember that she may feel pressure not to disappoint you as she knows how important this is to you.
Getting Spark Back
Q: I’ve read a lot of questions about long-term couples who have trouble keeping the spark alive in the sense that their sex drives are lowered and they don’t do it a lot. My question is a bit different—we still have lots of sex, and we’re adventurous about it, but it still feels kind of rote. There’s not the passion or urgency there used to be—so, the sex is still there, but that spark is gone. Is there a way to get it back, or is this just normal in long-term relationships?
A: Great question and very happy to hear that you are having lots of sex! Unfortunately, it’s very difficult to reproduce the feeling we have at the beginning of a relationship. The reason can be found in physiology. At the beginning of a relationship—the lust and attraction phase—there is a release of hormones that make us feel almost addicted to our new partner. Later, in the attachment phase, the hormones released are involved in bonding. All long-term relationships move through these phases, which may reduce libido for your partner overall. That doesn’t mean we stop having sex—it’s just that it may be less driven by the excitement and that “addictive” feeling (which you describe as “urgency”). Studies show that couples who engage in new activities together outside of the bedroom (like take a trip, discover a new sport together) tend to have more passionate sex lives. So basically, living a passionate life can lead to more passion in the bedroom.
