Q&A With Dr. Laurie: What To Expect The First Time

Breaking the hymen 

Q: My girlfriend (we are both virgins) has been masturbating using one finger for the last two years. Do you think it’s possible that she’s lost her hymen?  

A: A woman does not “lose” her hymen. This is a thin membrane that stretches once intercourse has taken place. It can also stretch with insertion of a tampon, fingers, or sex toys. It is unlikely that it will stretch much with just one finger though. With intercourse, a larger opening in the hymen is created. This can also cause a small tear, which can cause some bleeding at first intercourse. But not all virgins will bleed, as the hymen can be stretched even during certain physical activities (like gymnastics, horseback riding, etc.)

First Time

Q: How do I give my girlfriend a pleasurable first time? If she even puts one finger a little bit inside of her own vagina while masturbating, it hurts her. Based on that, I can see her having a painful reaction to my penis entering her vagina for the first time. What should I do?

A: True, first time intercourse could be painful. To make it the least painful possible, your partner should be relaxed and very aroused. You should be using a lubricant as well. It’s a good idea for her to practice with lube and fingers (hers or yours) first so that she learns to relax her vagina. When someone anticipates pain, they tend to tense up and this makes any kind of penetration painful or impossible. Another option is for her to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist (see our blog post on the site about painful sex).

49 and Still a Virgin

Q: Yes you read that right. I’m 49, still a virgin, and I feel like it’s going to drive me crazy. I can talk to a girl online, but in public, I have panic attacks and say stupid things. I totally lose it. What can I do?

A:  Many people who have social anxiety find it to be much easier to connect with people online.  It sounds to me that you will need to get help first and foremost for your anxiety. I would suggest you see a therapist who specializes in anxiety.  The therapist can do what’s called “systematic desensitization” with you. You can google for therapists in your area, and just ask them if they can treat social anxiety and panic attacks.

Taking My Girlfriend’s Virginity

Q: I am a 19-year-old male virgin. Although the opportunity to engage in intercourse has presented itself, I have always shied away from it because, as a romantic, I would only do it with someone I love and I have heard that it can cause some…discomfort to the female during her first penetration. I now have a serious girlfriend who wants to engage in sex for the first time, but I don’t want to cause someone I love pain. Do you have any advice on this issue?

A: I commend you for thinking about your partner and not wanting to cause her any pain. It is perfectly normal for women to experience some discomfort with first penetration. If your girlfriend feels ready you can always share your anxieties with her and tell her that you want to go slow. Be gentle and ask her throughout if she would like you to continue. Make sure your girlfriend is fully aroused and even use some lubrication. Make sure that you are using a method of birth control like the condom.