Sex Has No Expiration Date

As a clinician and a radio talk show host for close to 30 years, there’s a phrase I have heard more times than I care to remember: “Sex?, ech, I’m too old anyway.” Then, I meet the odd elderly person (80 years plus) who describes a fantastic, active sex life and my resolve is renewed—my resolve to spread the word that sex should not, and must not, have an expiration date! My other mission is to normalize much of what we experience sexually as we age. Too many times I have men and women who come to see me in a complete panic because they think something must be very wrong with them—their erections aren’t at all the same, penetration is painful, or they can’t find the mojo they once had for sex. The very first thing we need to understand is that, as we age, our bodies change, and with these changes comes the need to adapt. This means that we must adjust our expectations and be open to learning new things. We need a different sexual skill set in our fifties and sixties (and beyond) than we had in our twenties and thirties. Reality check: Sex at sixty-five won’t be the same as it was at twenty-five, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be great, even the best ever. This is a time of life where we can feel freer—free of pregnancy fears, free of little ones barging into the bedroom, free to take more time for ourselves. It’s vital that we learn to go with the flow of our changing body—and take charge of what we can do to make ourselves feel good. Some of the skills we need to have to maintain sex into old age include: Developing a good attitude Communicating our desires (clearly and lovingly) to our partner Changing up our sexual routine Focusing on foreplay Exploring previously neglected body parts such as the perineum, anus, and prostate Exploring new positions Focusing on more direct genital stimulation through oral sex or the use of sex toys Learning to take care of your genitals to keep them in top working order Before we attempt to change things up a bit, we should be aware of some of the myths we carry around that impede a continued healthy sex life. We need to understand that what lies behind such myths is our fear of growing old, embarrassment and discomfort around sexuality, misinformation, and outdated information, and of course, the cultural idealization of youth. One of the biggest myths is that sex just gets worse with age (whether we are talking about orgasms, satisfaction, or desire). That could not be further from the truth. According to the Sinclair Intimacy Institute, not to mention my own conversations, many women report the best sex of their lives much later in life and say that their capacity for orgasm doesn’t diminish with age. According to a survey commissioned by Top Santé magazine and reported by The Daily Telegraph newspaper, married women over forty are having the best sex of their lives. More than 80 percent of those polled said they were more sexually adventurous now than when they were in their twenties, while 63 percent said that sex was better because they’d become more sexually confident over the years. In another survey conducted by Saga Magazine of nine thousand people over the age of fifty, one-third of the women who responded said sex is more enjoyable now than it was when they were in their youth. As far as orgasms go, many women report that their orgasms had become more intense and more fulfilling after they turned forty. Several have even reported experiencing female ejaculation for the first time later in life. Many of my mature clients describe experiencing their orgasms throughout their bodies as opposed to only in their genitals. They describe sex as almost a spiritual experience. The quality of sex also improves with age as we gain confidence and knowledge. There’s more focus on sensuality and foreplay, which makes sex even better. If you are not yet convinced, let me give you some concrete health reasons why you should maintain your sex life. For one thing, sex heals. It helps reduce pain in your body. For example, one of the best ways to resolve headache pain is sex. Headaches are caused when the blood vessels in your head constrict, and sexual intercourse alleviates that tension and causes those blood vessels to expand, thus relieving your headache. Professor Stuart Brody, Ph.D., in discussing his study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, says, “Sex boosts endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, by up to a third in a matter of minutes. There’s evidence this helps a wide range of conditions, including lower-back pain, migraine, and arthritis. And although it’s less reliable and effective than drug therapies, the pain-relieving effects of orgasm are quicker.” Sex can also lower blood pressure and overall stress levels, regardless of age. It releases tension, elevates mood, and creates a profound sense of relaxation, especially in the post-coital period. From a biochemical perspective, sex causes the release of endorphins and increases levels of white blood cells that actually boost the immune system. Researchers have found that even non-penetrative sex—which can include simply hugging, touching, and kissing—can have this effect. Need more convincing? Sex is good for your heart. A British study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health found that men who had sex at least twice weekly reduced their risk of having a fatal heart attack by 50 percent compared with men who had sex less than once a month. Clearly, as we age, we experience all kinds of changes to our bodies. The key is to be aware of these changes so that they don’t catch us off guard or scare us. Very much in the same vein as when we would teach our teen-aged kids about their changing bodies (so that they don’t panic, say, at the sight of blood coming from the vagina). The more we know the better equipped we are to look for different ways to adapt to these changes.