It can be seen in many modern relationships: After a certain time, you stop prioritizing intimacy because of work, kids, responsibilities, etc. Partners roll into bed, exhausted at the end of the day, and the phrase ‘not tonight honey’ can be heard echoing in the night. Sexy, right? Sadly intimacy, whether it be psychological or physical easily falls by the wayside, undenounced to anyone.
It can be difficult to find time to foster positive and frequent intimacy when you lead hectic lives as most people do in this day and age. There is this unspoken myth that sex should just happen, when that is not always the case. That is why scheduling intimacy can be a perfect solution! It can be a way to foster intimate moments without putting too much pressure on each partner, create anticipation and excitement and make sure we create space for sexuality while having busy schedules, and feed that intimacy bond that is crucial to healthy relationships.
Here are a couple of things to consider when starting to incorporating sexual and intimacy scheduling:
PLANNING IN ADVANCE
Sexuality and intimacy is part of the glue holding relationships, so we need to give it the respect and dedication it deserves, just as we do when planning a trip or event.
Preferably, in person, this meeting can give the opportunity for exploration to communicate with your partner the things they love to do and the things you love to see them do. This creates a safe space where you can open up more about your wants and needs with your partner in a positive manner, exploring fantasies, maybe things or places you both would like to explore, the sky is the limit!
It is also important to explore what sexual contexts that work for both of you; what moments, activities, or circumstances generate positive connection, whether it be sexual or emotional. ALSO, do not forget to pick a day, time, and frequency that works best for BOTH partners.
CALENDARS AND SCHEDULING TOOLS
It can be on the calendar on the fridge; you can write it as a secret symbol and share the secret of anticipation together, share the event with your partner on your google calendar.
It is important to treat this event with the same importance you would give other significant events you might have; like the gym, a brunch or golf date with your friends, a doctor’s appointment, etc.
You can pick a fun color, emoji, and make this decision together. Make sure you both respect the date and make efforts to follow through. Obviously, if your partner is feeling ill, or is not consenting anymore, then you can reschedule. Consent is always needed no matter if the sex appointment is set.
CREATIVITY & CREATING SPACE
Having a sex schedule is, to put it simply, creating a space for intimacy. Not all couples experience this solely through sex.
The idea is to schedule time to foster stronger and long-lasting connections. Could be painting together, having a make-out session, going for planned walks, oral sex, doing an activity together that fosters sexual desire or attractiveness (For example: seeing your partner workout, socialize, or do something they love).
TRY TO STICK WITH IT
Obviously, you won’t be able to see positive results if there isn’t follow through on both partners’ behalfs. Keep in mind that a minimum of follow-through is expected for this to work. An initial sense of pressure can be felt, but usually drops off once you integrate and get used to the schedule. Keep an eye on what schedule tactics work and do not work for you, keep the communication active throughout this process and check in with your partner, don’t be afraid to make changes if needed throughout the process! Communication is key.
ANTICIPATION IS KEY
Scheduled sex creates a feeling of anticipation and excitement for some people. While it might seem dull at first, I promise if you give it a try, you might be pleasantly surprised.
It could add to the pleasure because you can put more thought and effort into the actual intimate moments. And when there will be or are moments of sex that are outside of the ‘scheduled intimate moments’, it can feel even more thrilling and exhilarating because of it being out of the usual habit.
Long-lasting sexual excitement can be fostered through the unknown, the new, and the exploration of each other and your intimate needs. What does that entail you ask? Well, maybe you might want to explore sexual positions you have not done yet, incorporating sex toys, role-play, different locations or activities, or even costumes. A great tip you can pick up is messaging each other in anticipation of the scheduled sex, letting the other person know how excited (and maybe even horny) you are. Creating the ‘hype’ can give it the extra ‘boost’ you need to sustain this type of scheduling.
Considering this plethora of information, do not get down on yourself if scheduling sex does not work for you after trying it out. It’s by trying things and actively participating in fostering positive sexual and intimate encounters that you can explore what works and doesn’t work for you! It can simply be an opportunity to get even closer with your partner, foster positive communication about your intimacy wants and needs, and shows you are actively participating in improving your relationship.
